“Actually, there is a word for that. It’s love. I’m in love with her, okay? If you’re looking for the word that means caring about someone beyond all rationality and wanting them to have everything they want no matter how much it destroys you, it’s love.”
I’ve mentioned before how one of my favorite shows is How I Met Your Mother. Just in case you’ve missed the posts where I’ve mentioned it before, it’s a show about Ted Mosby, a young guy living in NYC trying to find the woman of his dreams, the mother of his kids. It’s narrated by an older Ted Mosby to his two kids. It’s him saying to his kids, “Hey, here’s how I met your mother.” Classic.
Ted Mosby is a romantic. Easily. Throughout the whole series you see him pining for different women. Sometimes it’s a mess.
But one instance that strikes me so deeply is early on in season one. He’s dating a girl named Natalie, someone with whom he has a messy history, for the second time. The first time he broke up with her, he dumped her on her birthday via a message on her answering machine with a bunch of people in her apartment waiting to surprise her hearing every word. After they restart dating, Ted suddenly says, “I have to break up with her…She’s terrific but I have to break up with her…I should be in love with her, but I’m not feeling that thing. It’s ineffable.”
They had only dated – this second time around – for three weeks. Ted’s issue in this episode was that he was basing all his decisions on feelings and giving up really easily. It reminded me how easily people give up on relationships.
True, Ted is kinda clueless half the time. But just look at the statistics on divorce. Some studies say it’s 50 percent of marriages, some say it’s less. Either way, people give up on relationships all the time.
Sometimes giving up on relationships is what needs to be done. Sometimes it’s just not going anywhere. But there are two instances when giving up isn’t an option.
When you’re married, you don’t give up.
There are specific exceptions that are really hard and messy to deal with here, but 99 percent of the time, you say, “Till death do us part,” and you stick with that.
The American Psychological Association says that 40-50 percent of married couples in the United States divorce. That’s crazy. That’s a lot of people giving up.
I can’t speak specifically to the difficulties that come within marriage because I’m still a few months away from experiencing it myself. But all that I’ve heard is that marriage is hard, and that it can be somewhat easy to want to ditch it.
But all I’ve heard about quitting marriage is that it’s not worth it.
As I’ve thought about the possibility of being married, I can think of several reasons why one would want to quit: arguments that never seem to end, the financial difficulty of managing money for two people, and many more. But when you say, “I do,” you’re committing for life.
One thing I’m learning about love is that it’s more about commitment. When you say, “I love you,” it’s more than a feeling. It’s saying, “Hey, I’m committing to you. I’m promising to stick with you, no matter how I feel. Even if I don’t feel the love.” Love means commitment more than anything else. Yes, there are feelings in there too, but it’s more about a promise. Love is a promise. What I’ve heard is that going through the tough times will only make your relationship stronger.
Don’t give up.
Don’t give up just because you’re scared.
Fear of commitment/relationships is one of the most powerful fears out there. I’ve experienced it in my own life, and had to overcome it to start pursuing my now-fiancée.
Fear can be a powerful motivator, but it can also be a powerful de-motivator. It can suck the life and desire and drive out of you.
I know how terrifying commitment can be. You’re offering to give yourself up for someone else.
But I can tell you from personal experience that it’s worth it. The months that I have spent dating and now engaged to my fiancée have been hard sometimes, but they’ve also been incredibly joyful and rewarding. I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life with her.
So if you’ve got the opportunity to pursue a romance, but you’re sacred, please, don’t give up. Push on.
Don’t give up.
you know, im in a relationship that im not trying to give up on… the problem is that me and my girlfriend really just aren’t that compatable… i love her, yes, and for that i still try… but the fact of the matter is that the cons far exceed the pros… and with that im reminded that sometimes we stay in a relationship ultimately because it beats the alternative… being alone. no matter what.
Hey Joe, thanks for reading. There’s a difference between giving up because it’s hard and ending a relationship because it’s just not working. If there’s more cons than pros, it could be one of two things: 1) It’s just a rough patch in the relationship or 2) you guys are incompatible and it’s not working out and you need to end it for the better for both of you. You have to decide for yourself which one it is. Praying for you, Joe.
Awesome advice thank you..! I contemplate these such things everyday and everyday I don’t know if it’s better to stay or leave…
Prayed for you this morning. If you want to continue this conversation in private, I’d love to, just shoot me an e-mail (firstname.lastname@example.org).
Will do thank you…
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